for the few people that have read my blog, you all know that i'm a cryptic writer. i write entries that don't really reveal any true details. i do this because i don't want to express too much of myself... i'm afraid it will lead to questions... questions i do not want to answer... questions i'd rather avoid... questions that may conjure up a feeling that i would rather forget.

but today i have decided to tell all... no holds barred.

this morning i realized maybe i get these really low days because i keep everything bottled up inside and it causes me to go stir crazy... where it gets to the point i can't handle it anymore... which leads to having random breakdowns. and then i'm in a slump. unsure how to get out of the cycle of thinking too much... reminding myself of all the things i don't have with the ongoing questions of "what's wrong with me?"

i'm telling you, being single for over 5 years will cause you to think that something is wrong with yourself as a person. i swear there's a gray cloud over my head that reminds me i'm not truly happy. 

i know my friends will start defending me, but guys come on!  i haven't even really gone out on dates in these 5 years... so what else am i to think except for "what's wrong with me?" 

it's very rare that i will actually come across a guy i really do like like.  so it hurts that much more when i find out he does not like me in the same way because "omg!  when am i ever going to come across another guy i like?"  actually let me rephrase this... he does not like me enough to actually pursue me, but enough to want to fool around with me.

yes we all need to get our freak on, but with me... i only want to be touched by a guy i actually like.  and this is where i wish so much that i was like a guy.  to have my way with him and then go on my merrily way. but noooooo, after i get down with him, i f*ckin think about him... wanting to have a relationship... thinking he does too because what we had experienced together is actually something real...

but ha!  in my face!  cuz again and again... he doesn't want to be with me.

and people i'm not talking about "playas" because i know at least for the last couple of guys, they are indeed quality men:

• truly nice
  
• ambitious, hard working
• family oriented
• easy going with a sense of humor
• did i say truly nice yet?
• etc. etc. [insert good quality here]

like i said, a guy i would like to end up with. 
and he is the guy that breaks my heart.

so here it is everyone... i'm revealing details...
i really like someone right now. 

he's a guy i really did believed liked me too.  we get along too well.  everyone knows i get along with many guys.  but i'm saying I REALLY GET ALONG WITH THIS GUY.  so much that when i'm around him, i've actually stopped to think "wow, i really get along with this guy".  and i think this was my downfall.  because i felt a connection SO STRONG that it made me believe he is the one for me.  and i said this with no doubt in my mind.  cuz there was no way he did not realize our connection.

but here i am in the same predicament...
with someone i thought would truly consider being with me.

didn't sleep too well last night...
i dreamt i had a broken heart.
and i think it's gonna come true...

haven't written for a long time.
i haven't felt like this in awhile.
didn't do that for quite some time.
may be in the cycle again even though i've been out of it for a little time.

i'm worried.
and i'm kinda scared.
i think i may have fooled myself.
again.
is it ever going to be right for me?
just this once...
where i didn't have to say goodbye.
would make me the happiest i have ever felt
in a very long time.

1. so the other night, i cleaned up my cel phone and deleted a bunch of numbers... out of all those numbers there was only one number i knew off by heart.

and that person called me today.

2. a guy i've been getting to know texted me on sunday to make plans for tomorrow... and then this evening texted me to confirm.

so i bailed.

granted to realized i double booked myself and my agreement to his plans was the latter. but since he texted me to confirm, i didn't think he deserved an actual phone call from me to bail.

3. do your friends' opinions highly impact your own opinion?

i know in high school, i would never tell any of my friends if i thought a guy was cute until one of them would tell me 1st. then all i had to do was agree.

unfortunately, last week... i just realized that i am still very similiar to the girl i was back in high school...

To see a tsunami in your dream, represents that you are being overwhelmed by some repressed feelings or unconscious material that is rising up to the surface. You are experiencing some unhappiness and emotional instability in some waking situation.

yea, i knew something was really bothering me...

maybe we go back to the past because there is nothing to look forward to in the future?...
well, i think that's the case for me.

this year, i have had my heart broken 7 times...
2 times by 2 different unexpected guys.
3 times by the guy i will never forget.
and twice by the guy who will always be my friend.

it has been a rough year...

you see... it's reasons like today, why my heart won't let me stop liking him....

i'm enjoying being around the corner next to you.  i forgot how this felt and how nice it can be... =)

stripped.

i owe it to myself.  it's fair to me.  and fair for me...  is it a beginning to something that had never started.  or maybe i'll discover that really it's an end.  at least i won't have guilt to explore the corner that is next to you.  you can't say that i didn't warn you.  because when i asked, maybe that was my goodbye.

it's one of those days today...
i feel
ultra-sensitive
sad
lonely
upset
empty
unsure
rejected
helpless
not good enough
used.

i feel...
heartache.

damn! i sound pathetic...

when asked to make a wish, there's only one thing i wish for and even though it has never come true, it's still the only thing i wish for.

i've never thought myself as a selfish person, but maybe i am after all.

i woke up early this morning already hating today.

i hope wednesday turns out good... maybe it will take away the doubts i have about staying in toronto. 
can a job really fulfill everything i'm looking for?
... doubtful.

right now, my heart is breaking.
and i don't know why.

never mind, i lied... i think it's just too many reasons why.

i hate being ruled by emotions.

i don't like feeling too much.  at times i don't feel justified to be feeling a certain way.  and it's crazy to share because really, it doesn't make sense.  seriously, how can a person's heart break when there was nothing or no one holding it in the 1st place? 

and then, there's still all this other stuff i'm feeling... I can't even pin point what it is.  maybe it's anxiety... i start a new job on wednesday.  plus i think i'm scared... i don't know if i made the correct decision to stay.  how bout if the new job doesn't do the trick?  and i still feel empty?  and now i'm stuck with my decision.

i always try to make the best out of everything, but sometimes it really doesn't feel the best.

and how odd that someone's words can strongly affect you.  but really, it depends WHO it is saying it to you.  i don't like the fact that a person has control on how your emotions unfold.

i don't know... i'm just not a big fan of feelings...

i got another call from Mr. JERK-OFF himself !... again!... haven't heard from him since Nov.  Looks like he's still holding on to my #.  this time i hung up once he said, "lemme give you a hint, i'm jerking off right now..."

here's my 1st entry bout him...

... next couple of weeks will have a large impact on my life. decisions, decisions, decisions. and i hope i'm not kidding myself.
 
... after all this time, he's still on my mind. very often. he still occupies most of my thoughts in most of my days. 

THAT'S IT!  (LOL!  i haven't written in so long and that's all i have to say for myself?!)

... YAY!  progress!

booooooooooooooo.... i guess i'm really not out there afterall.  haha, damn!  i kinda suck at this... too many angles to think of!

I'm "out there"! 
Oh boy...

I'm perplexed and I'm thinking too much about a particular person... a particular situation.

At times being in a relationship can be difficult.  Sharing your life with someone else isn't always gonna be perfect.  There's another person you need to take into consideration.  Therefore, personally I think being single is easier than being with someone.  I know this... I've been single for almost (gulp) 4 years now.  What real problem is there about being single except for finding the right person for you to be with?

However, this past year of being single has not been easy.  AND NO it's not because I'm dwelling over the fact that I've been single for a long time.  This year of being single has been alot more difficult than I can recall of any relationship I have been in...

... being in love with someone who's not in love with me.
... making moves and putting myself out there (this is so unlike me) and my crush (the biggest one I have ever had in my life) doesn't even notice.
... crossing the line and not talking about it.
... cutting myself off from someone when I don't want to.  And not telling him, "sorry, I can't even be your friend."

and now there's this new thing, but I can't sum it up in one line because I guess it's still pending. (Don't know if this makes sense, but I understand what I'm trying to say.)  

Someone said something to me this weekend and it's troubling me alot more than I thought.  It was more than a mouthful and honest.  And I appreciate everything that was said... and I'm glad he told me... and it's better that it was said.

but now it's got me contemplating... comparing... wondering...
it's taking alot of my time...

It's funny how people can be perceived, but in reality it's the opposite.  It's funny how time assists you in getting over something and forgetting feelings that you once felt.  It's funny how sometimes situations are ongoing even though in your mind you have convinced yourself it's done.

I think I'm thinking too much because I don't know what to do.
Maybe I'm not suppose to do anything at all.

When do you know to try for something that's so close to your reach when you're not even sure you want it at all?

I'm 30 years old now... as of 3 days ago.  Apparently, I'm "part of the club" now.  I dunno... that's what alot of my birthday greetings said.  Haha.  Let's all be honest... 30 is kinda getting up there.  Yes, it may be the new 20's, but in the end... we really are in our 30's.

Anyway, this year for my birthday I didn't plan a cele as we (m&m - mysteree's bday is a day before mine) normally do.  To be honest with you I wasn't in the mood to plan my 30th... I was hoping one or a few of my friends would get the hint and take the lead in planning this year... and they did!  

Well they tried to surprise me, but someone baited it out and there were some obvious hints that occurred closer to the date.  BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER because my 30th birthday was GREAT never the less and it's still going (cuz I still have some mini & one-on-one bday plans). 

MY FRIENDS and FAMILY ARE THE GREATEST!  YOU HAVE MADE THIS BIRTHDAY ONE OF THE MOST MEMORABLE... EVER!... really.